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I'm 28. I feel a lot older than I should be. I currently reside with two of the most beautiful children to ever grace God's green Earth (I may be slightly biased though), a strong, handsome, supportive man that lets me live with him in return for love and care and a couple of whack-jobs with four legs that have been crashing on the couch every night for the past five years.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

a rant

i've been avoiding my illness. 

fast forward to present day... i'm 29 with two young kids, one with a frightening condition called sacral agenesis. i'm taking college courses trying to pursue a degree in journalism (because we all know there's a high demand for writers out there. sigh.) i'm trying to keep everything together as much as i can and support my husband who is working as a home health care provider on the weekends while taking a full course load at a university during the week as our house goes into foreclosure because the banks refuse to approve our short sale and the creditors are calling at all hours every day and night. i'm getting up at 7 every morning and working out and making my daughter's lunch and tidying up the messes left from the creatures that reside here and telling myself to keep calm, things have a way of working out. but i've been avoiding my illness. 

my health insurance is not accepted by my primary care physician any more so i'm trying to find a new one and i'm praying that he won't send me to an endocrinologist who i'll just end up being written off by for "not working hard enough"on keeping track of my bloodsugars and my carbohydrates and my insulin and so forth because it's SO EASY to put everything else aside. i've been dropped by three diabetic doctors now because the non-diabetes related part of my life got in the way and the records i gave them weren't up to par. "we can no longer continue to see you as a patient." not, "we care about you and we understand it's hard to keep up with all of this. keep trying." not "even though we are slightly disappointed in your record keeping, we don't want you to feel alone or to end up with horrible health problems or die young." just, "we can no longer continue to see you as a patient." like i am a child being scolded for not taking the subject more seriously. i realize the severity- believe me, i do. i kind of have to because it's staring me right in the face. but i have a sour taste towards professionals that give up on a patient so easily. i have a dread in the pit of my stomach like i'm being sent to the principals office every time they set me up with another endocrinologist. i'm tired of being turned away for slipping up. it's not like i don't try. how many other americans have to deal with this kind of situation? your doctor tells you you're at an unhealthy weight and you need to lose a few pounds to stay healthy. at the next checkup, after stepping on the scale you discover you weigh the same amount as before. "well, i'm sorry, but we can no longer continue to see you as a patient." rejected. by the professional medical physician being paid to help keep you in good health. because you have other things in your life besides this disease. because you are drowning under depression and worry and stress and frustration and you don't always have the time to look up the recipe for the chicken noodle casserole you ate a bite of at a family gathering so you can tell them the exact amount of carbs and fiber it contained. 

this disease sucks. diabetes sucks. and having to deal with all the suckiness of it on top of people who have no faith in you and are allergic to second chances makes it all the more sucky. 

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